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Witze der Kategorie English Jokes - Seite 10

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Kategorie: English Jokes

A pompous Baptist minister was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather behave like a savage and ravage a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The attorney handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."

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A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty.

"You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests."

The cowboy thought for a minute and said: "Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse."

"Give him his horse", said the Chief.

The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her.

"Second wish", said the Chief.

"I'll need my horse again", said the cowboy.

"Give him his horse", said the Chief.

Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on its back.

The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before.

"This is your last wish", said the Chief, "make it a good one!"

"I'll need my horse again."

"Give him his horse", said the Chief.

The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, and put his face right up to the horse's.

"Listen good this time - I said POSSE!"

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Ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees indian sitting near his (Indian's) house.

Cowboy: Hey! Cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

Indian: Dog no talk.

Cowboy: Hey, dog, how's it goin?

Dog: doin' alright.


Cowboy: Is this your owner?

Dog: yep.

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.


Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Indian: Horse no talk.

Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it goin?

Horse: Cool.


Cowboy: Is this your owner?

Horse: Yep.

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.


Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Indian: Sheep lie!!

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So Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '96. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.

Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away--ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window.

"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXI, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in tears. "... I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland..."

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HL: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

DAU: "Yes, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect"

HL: "What sort of trouble?"

DAU: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

HL: "Went away?"

DAU: "They disappeared."

HL: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

DAU: "Nothing."

HL: "Nothing?"

DAU: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

HL: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

DAU: "How do I tell?"

HL: "Can you see the c:\prompt on the screen?"

DAU: "What's a sea prompt?"

HL: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

DAU: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

HL: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

DAU: "What's a monitor?"

HL: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

DAU: "I don't know."

HL: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

DAU: "Yes, I think so."

HL: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

DAU: "Yes, it is."

HL: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

DAU: "No."

HL: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

DAU: "Okay, here it is."

HL: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

DAU: "I can't reach."

HL: "Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?"

DAU: "No."

HL: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

DAU: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

HL: "Dark?"

DAU: "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

HL: "Well, turn on the office light then."

DAU: "I can't."

HL: "No? Why not?"

DAU: "Because there's a power outage."

HL: "A power....A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

DAU: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

HL: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought if from."

DAU: "Really? Is it that bad?"

HL: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

DAU: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

HL: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

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A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a tropical island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance!

Well, that pig started looking better and better and pretty soon the guy rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this and growled fiercly at the guy , until he removed his arm from the Pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze, perfect for romance, the four of them lying there.

The guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned over toward the girl and said "Honey ,could you take the dog for a walk?..."

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I was going down the street the other day and ran into this dirty old beggar sitting on the sidewalk. As I approached, he got up and came over to me and asked for $5 to buy breakfast. I told him," Come on friend. Let's go over to the bar and I'll buy you a drink". He replied, "No thanks, I don't drink. I just want $5 for breakfast." Next I said, "Well then, how about one of my nice cigars?" He again said, "No, I don't smoke, " Next I said, "I'll tell you what. Let's go to the track and take that $5 you want for breakfast and put it on a sure thing. You would have enough money to last a month." Again, he told me, " I don't gamble. I just want breakfast." Finally I told him, "If you'll come home with me and meet my wife, I'll fix you the biggest breakfast you ever ate." With this his eyes lit up and he asked, "Why will you fix me a big breakfast if I come home and meet your wife." "Simple", I responded. "I want her to meet someone who doesn't drink, smoke or gamble and show her what that can do to a man."

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There was a butler who worked for a wealthy couple. The husband was old, and the wife young and beautiful. One night the couple went out to dinner, and the butler stayed at their house.

The young wife returned home earlier than the husband, and she called the butler, Sam, into her room. She told him:

"Sam, I want you to take my shoes off." Sam took her shoes off.

"Sam, now I want you to take my stockings off." Sam took her stockings off.

"Now, Sam, take off my dress, my bra, and my panties. And Sam, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again..."

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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

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There's a guy with a Doberman pinscher and a guy with a chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman pinscher says to the guy with a chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the chihuahua figures, "What the hell," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A chihuahua?"

The guy with the chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a chihuahua?"

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