Bitte gib deine E-Mail Adresse und Passwort ein:

Automatisches anmelden

Passwort vergessen? - Gib deine E-Mail Adresse ein und klicke auf Passwort zusenden und wir senden dir dein Passwort per E-Mail. zu

Witze Bilder Filme Powerpoint Horoskop Geburtstage
Promi Geburtstage
Heute und die nächsten 7 Tage
Wähle ein Datum:
Dein Humor.li Konto
Mein Konto Passwort ändern
Datenschutzerklärung Kontakt Disclaimer Impressum Werbung Newsletter Witz des Tages
© 2018 Creative Web Solutions GmbH

Witze der Kategorie English Jokes - Seite 11

Bewertungen: 10
Auf Facebook teilen
Kategorie: English Jokes

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

Bewertungen: 12
Auf Facebook teilen
Kategorie: English Jokes

Stefan and Grandpa: Stefan and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"

Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"

To which the little boy responds "No."

"Then you can't have one."

A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of those?"

Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"

To which the little boy responds "No."

"Then you can't have one."

Later on,Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food aLater on,Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000"

Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"

The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?"

"Yes," says grandpa.

"Then go fuck yourself!..."

Bewertungen: 3
Auf Facebook teilen
Kategorie: English Jokes

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

Bewertungen: 4
Auf Facebook teilen
Kategorie: English Jokes

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man:

"This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off".

The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!..."

Bewertungen: 4
Auf Facebook teilen
Kategorie: English Jokes

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"

The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"

The third woman fainted...

Bewertungen: 3
Auf Facebook teilen
Kategorie: English Jokes

While playing golf, the man finds a corked bottle on the green. Upon opening it, a genie appears and grants the fellow one wish. After thinking about it for a while, the man says, "I'd like to shoot par golf regularly."

"No problem," says the genie, "But understand that your sex life will be greatly reduced as a side effect."

I can handle that," the man says, and POOF, the deed is done.

Several months later, the genie reappears on the same golf hole and asks the man how his golf game is doing.

"Fantastic!" says the man, "I'm now carrying a scratch handicap."

"And what effect has it had on your sex life?" the genie nquires.

"I still manage to have relations 2-3 times a month," the fellow answers calmly.

"2-3 times a month," the genie says, "That's not much of a sex l"2-3 times a month," the genie says, "That's not much of a sex life."

"Well," the fellow responds, "I don't think it's too bad for a middle-aged priest with a very small parish."

Bewertungen: 5
Auf Facebook teilen
Kategorie: English Jokes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY...

Bewertungen: 58
Auf Facebook teilen
Car
Kategorie: English Jokes

A boy who had just turned sixteen went to his father and asked him since he was old enough to drive, could he get a car.

The father thought about it, and I'll make a deal with you! If you read your bible more and cut your hair, then I'll get you a car. The son agreed and went his way.

A couple of weeks later, the son approached the father and said "you know, Dad, I've been reading the bible like you've asked me to and says here that Jesus had long hair too."

The father replied to the son, "Yeah, but Jesus also walked everywhere he went!..."

Bewertungen: 5
Auf Facebook teilen
Lunch
Kategorie: English Jokes

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.

The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.

The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch!"

Bewertungen: 42
Auf Facebook teilen
Heaven
Kategorie: English Jokes

St Peter gets fed up with standing at the pearly gates and giving or denying access to Heaven. Jesus offers to take over. A man comes up to him.

"I'm looking for my son", he says.

"And who are you" says Jesus.

"I suppose I'm the closest that he has to a Father." says the man.

"What do you do?" asks Jesus curiously.

"I suppose you could say I'm a carpenter" says the man.

"And does your son have holes in his hands and feet?" asks Jesus excitedly.

"He does!" shouts the man.

"DADDY!" shouts Jesus.

"PINOCCIO!" shouts Guisseppe...

Weitere Seiten mit Witzen dieser Kategorie:
123456789101112
Die Betreiber dieser Plattform erklären nach bestem Wissen und Gewissen keine Kenntnis von Verletzungen von Rechten Dritter durch Heraufladen beispielsweise von urheberrechtlich geschützten Werken Kenntnis zu haben. Diese Plattform wird regelmässig überprüft und erkennbare, widerrechtliche Inhalte werden umgehend gelöscht. Die Möglichkeiten, Verletzungen von Rechten Dritter insbesondere im Urheberrecht zu überprüfen, sind jedoch beschränkt. Personen, die sich in ihren Rechten verletzt fühlen, sind gebeten, sich umgehend zu melden, damit Inhalte, die ihre Rechte verletzen könnten, umgehend gelöscht werden können. Die Nutzer sind aufgefordert, nur gesetzeskonforme Inhalte auf diese Plattform zu laden.