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Witze der Kategorie English Jokes - Seite 3

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Kategorie: English Jokes

What does a woman do while her husband jumps around in the garden?

Answer: Keep on shooting!

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Kategorie: English Jokes

A man walks into a bar and orders five shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Bad day, huh?" "You don't even know the half of it," the man says. "I just found out my oldest son was gay." "That is rough," the bartender says and pours the man's drinks. The next day, the same man comes into the bar, sits down, and orders ten shots. "Wow!" says the bartender. "Worse day than yesterday?" The man nods and says, "Yeah, I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too." "Oh, man," the bartender says, with heartflet sympathy, "That's too bad," and he pours the man's drinks. The next day, same man comes in, sits down, and orders twenty shots. "God damn!" says the bartender. "Doesn't anybody, at your house, like women?" "Yeah," the guy says, miserably. "My wife does."

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Kategorie: English Jokes

A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"

The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."

The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish."

The sister said, "Oh, ok." She took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught."

Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."

The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."

So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught."

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like that!"

Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."

Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish."

In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...

"I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!"

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Kategorie: English Jokes

The Pope was coming over to visit Canada and when he was greeted at the airport there was a limo waiting for him. As he was getting in he asked the limo driver if he could drive instead, because being a Pope - he never got to do neat things like that.

The driver said sure, after all - you can't say no to the Pope.

The Pope of course decided to have some fun and drove the limo at about 200 km/h in a 80 km/h zone and a cop spots him and pulls him over. The cop of course was very surprised when he looked inside the limo, and immediately radioed his supervisor.

Cop: What should I do? I can't ticket this guy!

Supervisor: Why who is it? The Mayor?

Cop: No, much more important!

Supervisor: Not the mayor? Is it the Premiere?

Cop: No, much more important!

Supervisor: Not the Premiere? The Prime Minister?

Cop: No, much much more important!

Supervisor: Not the Prime Minister? Who the hell can be more important than the Prime Minister?

Cop: I don't know, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur!

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Kategorie: English Jokes

One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.

He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.

Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.

Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"

"Of course, Son, we're a family."

So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

Bewertungen: 9
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Kategorie: English Jokes

Ray's tennis elbow had been killing him, so when he was passing by the doctor's office one day, he decided to stop in. The nurse told him he could see the doctor in twenty minutes, but first he had to provide a urine sample. Ray told her that was absurd for an elbow examination, but she insisted. Finally, he agreed.

Later, he was ushered in to see the doctor, who said, "That tennLater, he was ushered in to see the doctor, who said, "That tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?"

"The nurse told you, then?" Ray asked.

"No," the doctor replied. "It's the urinalysis." He explained that he'd purchased a new machine that could diagnose absolutely every physical condition with total accuracy. The machine cost a fortune, but it cut down on his work so much that he was able to get out on the golf course at three every afternoon.

Ray didn't believe a word. However, he did agree to provide another urine sample when he came back in for another checkup.

Two weeks later, Ray was sitting at the breakfast table talking with his wife about the ridiculous machine. They decided to have some fun with the doctor. Ray pee'ed in the bottle, and so did his wife and teenage daughter. Then, as he opened the garage door, Ray had another idea. He put a few drops of crankcase oil from his car in the bottle, then beat off and added a few drops of semen. Then he shook up the bottle, drove to the doctor and handed the bottle to the nurse.

This time the analysis took an entire hour. When Ray sat down, the doctor looked at him and said, "All right, wise guy. I've got some bad news for you. Your daughter's pregnant, your wife's got V.D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never going to heal."

Bewertungen: 5
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Kategorie: English Jokes

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A. He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving."

He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?"

"O.J. just found out the civil verdict and he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $33.5 million for the Brown and Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

The man says, "Oh really, how much have you got so far."

"So far....ten gallons."

Bewertungen: 8
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suppositories
Kategorie: English Jokes

A man with a bad stomach complaint sees his family doctor and asks what he

can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be

cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted into the back

passage. The man agrees, although reluctantly. The doctor warns the man to

expect some discomfort, and then asks him to bend over. The doctor then

shoves the thing into his behind. The man experiences some minor discomfort

but endures the pain. Afterwards, the doctor hands the man a second dose and

tells him to do the same thing in six hours, using rubber gloves and some

KY-Jelly. Later that evening, the man tries to insert the second

suppository. Sure enough, he can't reach himself properly to obtain the

required depth. He calls his wife over and explains what she has to do. The

wife nods and puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him. She uses her free

hand to shove the medicine home. The man suddenly screams in horror. "What's

the matter?" asks his wife. "Did I hurt you?" "No, but I just realized that

the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

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Kategorie: English Jokes

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"

"OK."

He thinks this day was bound to come, and am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets. So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception,sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wetdreams.

Then she asks: "Daddy what is 'A Couple?'"

And he carries on :a couple are the two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males also, where they penetrate from the ass, or two females which we call lesbians, where they use the tongue on the vagina, and goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, sex toys etc...

The father finally asks: "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex?'"

"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

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Kategorie: English Jokes

"American beer is like make love in a canoe: fucking close to water!" (by Woody Allen)

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