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Witze der Kategorie English Jokes - Seite 4

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Kategorie: English Jokes

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?

"None" replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away.

Well the answer is four said the teacher, but I like the way you are thinking.

Little Johnny says, I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone - which one is married?

Well said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone?

No, said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking...

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Different guy goes into the bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey. the bartender says "Wow, what's up?" The guy says "I'm celebrating my first blow job." "Man, that's great," says the bartender. Let me buy you a shot too." "No, thanks," replies the guy. "If 5 drinks doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, 6 isn't going to do it either."

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A fly is flying six inches above a lake. A fish sees the fly and says:

"If that fly drops 6 inches I've got myself lunch!"

A bear sees the fish and says: "if that fly drops 6 inches the fish will grab it I'll get the fish and have lunch."

A hunter sees the bear and says: "if that fly flys 6 inches lower the fish will grab it, the bear will grab the fish, I'll shoot the bear and get a trophy."

A mouse sees the fly and says: "if that fly drops 6 inches the fish will grab it the bear will grab the fish the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich and I'll have lunch."

Meanwhile a cat has been watching all this. Suddenly the fly drops 6 inches.

>THE FISH GRABS THE FLY

>THE BEAR GRABS THE FISH

>THE HUNTER SHOOTS THE BEAR DROPS HIS SANDWICH

>THE MOUSE GRABS THE SANDWICH

>AND THE CAT RUNS AFTER THE MOUSE JUMPS AND MISSES AND GOES RIGHT

>INTO THE LAKE!

What is the moral to this story?

WHEN A FLY DROPS 6 INCHES A PUSSY GETS WET!

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There's this guy who from birth has been covered with boils. Well one day, completely by accident one of his boils gets popped, and puss starts leaking out. To stop it from getting on his clothes he wipes it up with his hand, but now his hand is covered in puss! So he thinks about it for a second, looks around to make sure that no-one is looking and starts to lick his hand clean. Much to his suprise he finds that he likes the taste of puss, so when he gets home he starts eating the boils right off of his skin and before he knows it he's eaten all of them! Well, he wants more so he puts an ad in the classifieds that reads:

"Male seeks female, BOILS A MUST! Call 555-1234"

That week he recieved lots of calls but he finally decided on one woman, who like him had been covered with boils from birth. On their first date they were sitting at dinner when he said to her, "Look, this may sound disgusting, and you may want to leave when you hear it but... I like to eat boils and I was wondering if I could eat yours."

"Well, it is kind of weird, but okay!" she replied.

They went home, and when they got there he stripped her naked and began to eat the boils. When they were all gone he looked at her and said "Look, I'm going to be completely honest with you, the only reason I went out with you was to get at your boils. I don't really think that we should see each other any more."

"Wait!" she said as he began to leave, "I have one more boil!"

"Really?" He asked, "Where?"

"Well," He thought "A boil's a boil." so he got down and began to eat her last boil. While he was doing this she cut the biggest fart, right in his face!!! He looked up at her and said

"You know, You are really disgusting!!!!!"

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It is said, that when Nixon visited Moscow in '70-ties, He reproached Soviet authorities on lack of freedom of speach in their country.

"In America, everyone can go on the street, and shout: Nixon is asshole!"

"Why, in our country also everyone can go to the street and shout: Nixon is asshole!"

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A rather hungry beggar enters the messroom, finds an unoccupied place and sits down. Opposite him sits a man with widely spread newspaper in front of him, fully absorbed in reading. His plate of soup is untouched, but the man does not budge. Our beggar grabs the plate, and swallows the soup with the lightning speed. Then suddenly he sees a dirty comb full of hair on the bottom of his plate. Here on the spot he throws up all he has eaten back to the plate. The man opposite carefully folds his newspaper, and addresses the beggar:

"Have you found a comb in the plate?"

"Ughhhh, yeah!!"

"Me, too."

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A woman is walking down the street, when she sees a sign in the pet shop window, advertising clitoris licking frogs for $5. she immediately thinks "i'll have one of those", and goes into the shop. She leaves the shop ten minutes later with a frog in one pocket and an envelope containing instructions in the other pocket. she gets home and upon finding her husband at work, she decides to test the frog out. she goes up to her bedroom and opens the envelope. the first instruction says "get undressed", so she does. the next tells her to lie on her bed with her legs spread..which she does. then she reads that she hass to place the frog between her legs, which she does.. the final instruction is to tell the frog to do it, so she says to the frog" do it frog, do it" and nothing happens. again she tries " do it frog, do it" and again nothing happens. after about five minutes of this, the woman decides to ring up the pet-shop and complain. the owner listens carefully and tells her he'll be around in about 5 minutes. when he gets to her house, he promptly buries his head between her legs and says to the frog....." do i have to show you again !?"...............

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One truck is passing another on a motorway. When the driver of the faster truck is at the level of cabin of the other, he looks over to see who the driver is. To his surprise, he sees a monkey sitting next to the driver. At the next truck stop, he sees the same truck again, walks up there and asks the driver why the hell he has this monkey with him.

Well, the other says, you know, these long trips, and I don't wanna catch something from these girls... so I taught this little beast how to give me a blow job.

You did WHAT ?

As I said, look, - and he sits back, drops his pants, takes out his cock, and makes the monkey sit in front of him.

Nothing happens.

Now, get on, he shouts and slaps the monkey's head several times. The monkey immediately starts giving head until the guy comes in his mouth.

Gosh, the other says, I've never seen something like that !

Hey, man, would you like to try it too? the guy with the monkey asks.

Hmm, well, yes, sure, but please don't hit my face that hard, will you?

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There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.

"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy.

After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop," said the boy. "Yes," replied his father. "The bull just fucked the brown cow."

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow."

The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy."

"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"

"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"

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Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

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