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Witze der Kategorie English Jokes - Seite 5

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Kategorie: English Jokes

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"Spot!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.

"Spot!" she called out sharply.

"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

Bewertungen: 6
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Kategorie: English Jokes

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling: "you sign! You sign!". Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the chinese man starts to yell louder. "you sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Sod off." and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little chinese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under nelsons nose, yelling "you sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little chinese man back, shouting: "Look, sod off you little chinky slanty eyed prick!

You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the door in his face again.

The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little chinese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!".

Behind him are TWO large trucks full of car parts.

Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: "look, I don't want these! Do you understand?

You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little chinese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "you not Nissan Maindealer?"

Bewertungen: 65
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Kategorie: English Jokes

A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over tothe side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.

A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!

He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave..."

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Kategorie: English Jokes

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that was the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, draped it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 2: "What's that?"

Lady 1: "A condom."

Lady 2: "Where'd you get it?"

Lady 1: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 2 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80ies), but asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel..."

Bewertungen: 7
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Kategorie: English Jokes

I was a first grade teacher. I had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read I gave the children a work sheet to do. I thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there.

I heard a little girl say very softly "Jesus Christ!". I leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."

She looked at me, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"

Bewertungen: 60
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Kategorie: English Jokes

What is Easter?

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."

"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in theside, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter..."

Bewertungen: 3
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Kategorie: English Jokes

During a telecommunications seminar, there were three guys in the bathroom standing at the urinals.

The first guy finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.

Turning to the other two, he says, "At Alcatel, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second guy finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel: He turns and says, "At Ericsson not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third guy finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: "At Siemens, we don't piss on our hands..."

Bewertungen: 7
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A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air.

The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped him the old sausage. So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips and starts pumping him in the butt as hard as he can.

Then, he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it is the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, screwing the "King of the Jungle" in the rear end.

The lion is shocked and upset, lets out a mighty ROAR and chases the gorilla through the jungle.

Now, the gorilla can't run very fast and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into a campsite, puts on some safari clothes and pith helmet, picks up a newspaper, sits down and holds it up to his face, and makes like he is reading it.

Just then, the lion comes busting through the jungle.

"RRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!" he says. "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?"

The gorilla starts shaking behind the paper. "Uh, you mean the one that just s-s-s-screwed you in the ass?" he stutters.

The lion sits up with a start and says, "Jesus! It's in the paper already?"

Bewertungen: 7
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Scan
Kategorie: English Jokes

Kirk: "Mr. Spock - Scan the romulan spaceship!" Spock: "OK, Sir - is 300 DPI good enough?"

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A customer went into a pub and out of his coat pocket, he produced a 14-inch little man who plays the piano. The landlord was very impressed and ask him where he got this little pianist from.

He said: "I was clearing an old aunty's loft and found this lamp and when I rubbed it a genie appeared and granted me a wish."

The landlord said: "That's good!, can I borrow this lamp?"

"Sure!" said the customer handing over the lamp.

The landlord took the lamp and rubbed it and out came a duck with a halo on its head.

"Funny, I didn't wish for that!!" said the landlord, to which the customer replied:

"Did you think I would wish for a fourteen inch pianist!"

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