Bitte gib deine E-Mail Adresse und Passwort ein:

Automatisches anmelden

Passwort vergessen? - Gib deine E-Mail Adresse ein und klicke auf Passwort zusenden und wir senden dir dein Passwort per E-Mail. zu

Witze Bilder Filme Powerpoint Horoskop Geburtstage
Promi Geburtstage
Heute und die nächsten 7 Tage
Wähle ein Datum:
Dein Humor.li Konto
Mein Konto Passwort ändern
Datenschutzerklärung Kontakt Disclaimer Impressum Werbung Newsletter Witz des Tages
© 2018 Creative Web Solutions GmbH

Witze der Kategorie English Jokes - Seite 6

Bewertungen: 11
Auf Facebook teilen
Kategorie: English Jokes

The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

Foul play has not been ruled out...

Bewertungen: 16
Auf Facebook teilen
Kategorie: English Jokes

One of the reps, traveling by plane, was in urgent need of using the men's room. Each time he tried the door, it was occupied. The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the ladies room, but cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons on the wall. The buttons were marked, "WW", "WA", "PP", and "ATR".

Eventually his curiosity got the best of him, and sitting there he carefully pressed the first button marked "WW". Immediately, warm water sprayed gently over his behind. This, he thought, was completely out of this world. The button marked "WA" was next, and warm air completely dried his butt. Golly, he thought, the gals really have it make. He next pushed the "PP" button, which yielded a large powder puff patting his bottom lightly with a scented powder.

Naturally, he could not resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he awoke in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.

When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened?? The last thing I can remember, I was in the ladies room aboard a 747".

The nurse replied: "Yes, you were, but you were cautioned about pressing any buttons. Obviously you were having a great time, until you pressed the one marked "ATR" which stands for "Automatic Tampon Remover"...

Bewertungen: 7
Auf Facebook teilen
Kategorie: English Jokes

A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father "What is this Father?".

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled in between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch ten circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother!"

Bewertungen: 5
Auf Facebook teilen
Kategorie: English Jokes

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Bewertungen: 8
Auf Facebook teilen
What am I
Kategorie: English Jokes

I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes,

normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on

one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the

day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant

action. When in use, I move back and forth and

in 'n' out a warm, moist hole. When the work is

finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left

behind, and I return to my original position.

Cleaning is usually done after I am.

What am I?

.

.

.

.

Well, I am your very own...Toothbrush!

What were you thinking? You naughty person!

Bewertungen: 4
Auf Facebook teilen
Kategorie: English Jokes

A recent Italian immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run!

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Italian stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Italian, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Italian stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Italian stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walka with pr-r-ride man!

Bewertungen: 20
Auf Facebook teilen
Kategorie: English Jokes

A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. But first, she said that she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount of money involved. After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00 dollar bills which could have amounted to $3 million dollars, he called the president's office and saw to it that the old lady met with him.

The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people that she did business with on a more personal level. The president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of money "was it inheritance?" he asked.

"No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could have come into $3 million.

"I bet" she stated.

"You bet!" repeated the president. "As in horses?"

"No," she replied, "I bet on people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of the sudden she said "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 am tomorrow your balls will be square". The bank president figured that she must be off of her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could loose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances - there was $25,000.00 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was OK. There was no difference, he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day, how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With her was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and that she always took him along when there was a large amount of money involved.

"Well", she asked, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I always have been, only $25,000.00 richer!"

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine. The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" the president asked.

"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

Bewertungen: 5
Auf Facebook teilen
Kategorie: English Jokes

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog.

Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.

However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.

Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

Bewertungen: 6
Auf Facebook teilen
Terrible Fight
Kategorie: English Jokes

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight: "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. "No, you`re not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. "I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb. "No, you`re not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan. "I`ve had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan. "No, you haven`t" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty. Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time. Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so." In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees." In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"

Bewertungen: 21
Auf Facebook teilen
The funniest way of loosing weight ?
Kategorie: English Jokes

Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight.<br><br>

Look how many calories you can burn: <br><br>

TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES <br>

With her agreement....12 cal <br>

Without her

agreement............187 cal <br><br>

TAKING OFF THE BRA <br>

With both hands........8 cal <br>

With one hand.........12 cal <br>

With the mouth.......85 cal <br><br>

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM <br>

With erection..........6 cal <br>

Without erection.............315 cal <br><br>

FOREPLAY<br>

Trying to find the clitoris...............8 cal <br>

Trying to find G spot.92 cal <br>

Without caring at all..0 cal <br><br>

WHEN "DOING IT" <br>

Holding her up........12 cal <br>

Just on the floor......8 cal <br>

POSITIONS <br>

Daddy-mummy............2 cal <br>

69 laying..............8 cal <br>

69 tanding up........112 cal <br>

Trolley..............216 cal <br>

Italian chandelier...912 cal <br><br>

HAVING AN ORGASM <br>

Real.................112 cal <br>

Fake................315 cal <br>

POST ORGASM <br>

Staying in bed........18 cal <br>

Jumping off the bed...36 cal <br>

Figuring out why she jumped off the bed..........816 cal <br>

GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION <br>

Between 16 and 19 years of age...................12 cal <br>

From 20 to 29.........36 cal <br>

From 30 to 39.......108 cal <br>

From 40 to 49........324 cal <br>

From 50 to 59........972 cal <br>

Over 60........... 2916 cal <br><br>

PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES <br>

Quietly...............32 cal <br>

Being in a hurry......98 cal <br>

With her husband opening the door................1218 cal

Weitere Seiten mit Witzen dieser Kategorie:
123456789101112
Die Betreiber dieser Plattform erklären nach bestem Wissen und Gewissen keine Kenntnis von Verletzungen von Rechten Dritter durch Heraufladen beispielsweise von urheberrechtlich geschützten Werken Kenntnis zu haben. Diese Plattform wird regelmässig überprüft und erkennbare, widerrechtliche Inhalte werden umgehend gelöscht. Die Möglichkeiten, Verletzungen von Rechten Dritter insbesondere im Urheberrecht zu überprüfen, sind jedoch beschränkt. Personen, die sich in ihren Rechten verletzt fühlen, sind gebeten, sich umgehend zu melden, damit Inhalte, die ihre Rechte verletzen könnten, umgehend gelöscht werden können. Die Nutzer sind aufgefordert, nur gesetzeskonforme Inhalte auf diese Plattform zu laden.