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Witze der Kategorie English Jokes - Seite 7

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The Pope
Kategorie: English Jokes

The pope stands in front of Heaven's Gate, when Petrus asks him: "Who are you?" The pope replies: "I'm the Pope of Rome, Jesus' successor on Earth, you don't know me?"

"Rome, Rome ... Ahh, Rome in California?" - "No, Rome in Italy!" - "Rome in Italy? Never heard of."

The pope starts another try: "Ask God, he knows me!" Petrus asks the All Mighty: "Hey Big Boss, know the Pope of Rome?"

"Rome, Rome ... Oh, Rome in California?" - "No, Rome in Italy!" - "Rome in Italy? Never heard of."

The Pope gets a little bit irritated and asks Petrus to query Jesus. Petrus: "Hey Junior Boss, know the Pope of Rome your alleged successor on Earth?" - "Yeah, Rome in California ...", and smiles.

"No, Rome in Italy!"

"Rome in Italy? Never heard of." And turns back to Maria Magdalena. The Pope takes his last straw and says: "The ask the Holy Ghost, he knows me!"

Petrus: "Hey Smokey, know the Pope of Rome?"

"Rome, Rome ... sure, Rome in California!" - "No, Rome in Italy!" - "Rome in Italy? Rome in Italy? ... Arrrrgh, got'im! Send that bloody fucking bastard to hell, he always tells dirty stories about me and Maria!"

Bewertungen: 35
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parrot
Kategorie: English Jokes

What`s orange and sounds like a parrot?

- A carrot!

Bewertungen: 37
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Statistics
Kategorie: English Jokes

A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.

Bewertungen: 4
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Kategorie: English Jokes

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate.

In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor". She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr.Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem".

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY like your ass!"

Bewertungen: 4
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Kategorie: English Jokes

There were two brothers, who were identical twins. Danny was married, but Roy was single and owned a small dilapidated boat.

It just so happened that on the same day that Danny's wife died, Roy's boat sank. A kind old lady met Roy on the street and, mistaking him for his brother Danny, said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible."

Roy said, "Well I'm not a bit sorry, she was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of fish the first time I got her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a big hole in the front and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her, and one leaked all over the place. What finished her off though, was four guys from the other side of town that came looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented her to them, but warned them she wasn't too hot. But they insisted they wanted to give her a try. The result was the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too much for her and she cracked right down the middle."

The old lady fainted...

Bewertungen: 7
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Kategorie: English Jokes

A gorilla escapes from the zoo one day and runs into a suburban area, where it climbs up a tree belonging to one Mr. Jones and won't come down.

Naturally, Jones is a bit worried about the gorilla, and so calls the local gorilla exterminator.

The exterminator arrives with a shotgun and a big mean doberman. "Mr. Jones, isn't it? I hear you have a gorilla problem. Well, you see, my assistant is out sick today, and I could use your help. Can you take me to the gorilla, first of all?"

Jones leads the exterminator to the tree where the gorilla is. "Okay," says the exterminator. "I'll need you to hold the shotgun. I'm going to loose the dog, and climb up this tree. When I get to the gorilla, I'll give the branch a good shake and he'll come falling out of the tree. Once he does, ol' Fido here is trained to jump on the gorilla and bite good and hard into his testicles, and he'll be helpless while I put the chains on him."

"I see," says Jones. "But, then, what is the gun for?"

"Oh, the gun is the most important part," says the exterminator. "If, by some chance, *I* should fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla -- SHOOT THE DOG!"

Bewertungen: 3
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Kategorie: English Jokes

A man had a deaf woman as a wife, so in order to communicate with her, he had to use sign language. They soon got quite confused whenever either of them wanted to have sex. They made up a sign of their own for the action, and then the husband explained through signing, this to her:

"When I want to have sex, I will pull your left nipple one time."

She nodded in understanding.

"When I do not want to make love, I will pull your left nipple twice"

She nodded again.

"When you want to have sex, you pull my dick one time."

She smiled and nodded.

"But when you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 357 times."

Bewertungen: 83
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Kategorie: English Jokes

One farmer says to another farmer that he had to shoot one of his cows?

"Was it mad?" asks the other farmer.

The farmer replies "Well it wasn't very happy about it".

Bewertungen: 3
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Kategorie: English Jokes

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replies, "Heck, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

Bewertungen: 4
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Kategorie: English Jokes

An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is.

"These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today."

The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item.

When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night."

"Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose..."

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