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Witze der Kategorie English Jokes - Seite 8

Bewertungen: 92
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Speke speakes to Watt today
Kategorie: English Jokes

Speke: Are you there? Are you there?

Watt: No, I`m here.

Speke: What`s your name?

Watt: Watt.

Speke: What`s your name?

Watt: Watt.

Speke: Can`t you hear? What`s your name?

Watt: Watt`s my name.

Speke: Yes, what`s your name?

Watt: My name`s Watt.

Speke: I`m asking you.

Watt: I`m called Watt!

Speke: I don`t know.

Watt: I am Mr. Tom Watt!

Speke: Oh, I`m sorry. I didn`t understand.

Watt: Woh are you?

Speke: Speke.

Watt: I am speaking. What`s your name?

No, it isn`t. My name`s Speke. I want to speak to Day.

Watt: You can speak to-day. I can hear you.

Speke: I don`t want you to hear me. I want to speak to Day.

Watt: At what time?

Speke: Now! I want to speak to Day. To Day! To DAY!

Watt: It`s to-day now, Speke. Speak, Speke.

Speke: But I want to speak to Mr. Henry Day now.

Watt: Oh, I`m sorry. You can`t speak to Day to-day. He doesn`t want to speak to Speke to-day. He told me so.

Bewertungen: 155
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Difference
Kategorie: English Jokes

What is the difference between a lady coming out of a bath and a lady coming out of a curch?? The lady from the church has got a soul full of hope and the lady from the bath has got a hole full of soap!

Bewertungen: 7
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Birds of a feather
Kategorie: English Jokes

A small turtle comes along on the forest ground. With incredible effort and tenacity it begins to climb the trunk of a large tree. After a very long time it reaches a limb and teeters on along it, then jumps off. It lands on its back where it remains for a while, stunned by its fall. Then it rightens itself and starts the procedure again. On a higher limg two birds are watching. After the turtle has jumped several times, one bird says: "Darling, don`t you thing it`s time to tell him he was adopted?"

Bewertungen: 7
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Y2K
Kategorie: English Jokes

Dear Boss,

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We

have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We

have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and

historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y2K" date change

mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data

to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September,

October, November, December

As well as:

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this "Y

to K" problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global

problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does

the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we

ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?

We`ll await your direction.

Joan Duh

Snr Programmer

Bewertungen: 13
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Feel like a women
Kategorie: English Jokes

On a Transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when a

wing is struck by lightning. A woman in first class loses control.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I`m too young

to die!". A nearby lady tries to comfort her, but she won`t be

comforted. Suddenly she yells, "Well, if I`m going to die, I want

my last minutes of life to count for something! I`ve had plenty of sex in

my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I`ve

had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Distracted from their own peril,

all stare at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man in business class stands up. "I can make you feel

like a woman," he says. From his appearance it is obvious he

is a man with whom a woman would like to pass her last moments.

He walks up the aisle, slowly unbuttoning his shirt as he walks.

No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as

the handsome man approaches. He removes his shirt. The sight

of his bare torso brings a gasp of delight from the woman.

He reaches for her, holding his shirt toward the trembling woman,

and whispers: "Iron this."

Bewertungen: 26
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Never think people forget your birthday
Kategorie: English Jokes

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn`t feeling too hot that

morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be

pleasant and say «Happy Birthday» and probably have a present for me. She

didn`t even say «Good morning», let alone any «Happy Birthday». I

said, well, that`s wives for you. The children will remember.

The children came into breakfast and didn`t say a word.

When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning

boss, Happy Birthday!" And I felt a little better - someone had

remembered.

About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it`s such a

beautiful day outside and it`s your birthday, let`s go to lunch, just

you and me".

"Let`s go!" We went to lunch. We didn`t go where we normally go;

we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two

martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the

office, she said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day. We don`t need

to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said,

"Let`s go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, we had

another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you

don`t mind, I think I`ll go into the bedroom and slip into something

more comfortable."

"Sure", I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and about six

minutes later she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by

my co-workers, wife and children. All were singing «Happy Birthday . . .»,

and there on the couch I sat . . . with nothing on but my socks . . ..

Bewertungen: 19
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Waste of Time
Kategorie: English Jokes

A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and

says, "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming

out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you`re sitting on top of

dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?" The startled mother

recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I`m trying to

get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."

The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you`re wasting your time,

because once a week, that pretty lady next door comes over and blows daddy

right back up.

Bewertungen: 16
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TGIF
Kategorie: English Jokes

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the

elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying

"T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T." She looked at him,

puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by

answering "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled

her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical

expression, "S-H-I-T." The blonde finally decided to explain things and

this time she said "T-G-I-F........... T-hank G-od I-ts F-riday; get it?"

The man answered, "S-H-I-T.........S-orry H-oney, I-ts T-hursday."

Bewertungen: 163
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Different
Kategorie: English Jokes

Husband asks his wife:

"Shall we try a different position tonight?"

Wife replies: "That´s a good idea. Why don´t YOU stand by the sink and do the dishes and I´ll sit on the sofa and fart."

Bewertungen: 10
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The Train
Kategorie: English Jokes

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the man is on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I´m sorry to bother you, but I´m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I´ve got a better idea... let´s pretend we´re married."

"Why not," giggles the man.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket."

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