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Witze der Kategorie English Jokes - Seite 9

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The Pilots
Kategorie: English Jokes

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren´t going to scream, and we´re gonna get killed!"

Bewertungen: 184
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The Pirate
Kategorie: English Jokes

The pirate

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off"

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook !".

Bewertungen: 5
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Kategorie: English Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The guy sits at the bar, and starts talking to the bartender. While they're talking, the monkey walks over to the pool table, and eats one of the pool balls.

The bartender says to the guy, "What the heck is wrong with your monkey?

He just ate one of the pool balls!" The guy replies, "I can't help it. He eats anything and everything, and there doesn't seem to be a thing I can do to stop it." He takes the monkey and leaves.

A few days later, the guy shows up at the bar and again, he's got the monkey with him. This time, the monkey sits down at the bar, grabs a peanut from a dish, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it back out and eats it.

The bartender says to the guy, "What the heck is he doing now?"

"He still pretty much eats everything, but after the pool ball a few days ago, he checks to make sure it will fit before he eats something..."

Bewertungen: 1
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Kategorie: English Jokes

A single father and his 6 month old baby are sitting in the doctors waiting room. The baby is crying its lungs out. A concerned women cannot take it any longer and while walking upto the baby she can smell the reason for the baby's distress:

-Sir, I think your baby needs a new nappy.

And when she unvails the baby she notices this dighper ready to burst.

-Sir, this nappy should have been changed days ago!

The father replies:

-Do you know how much these things cost? Anyway on the packet it says: upto 5 kilograms.

Bewertungen: 4
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Kategorie: English Jokes

Well, one night Superman is flying around in searchof something to do. He looks down, sees Batman (with his X-ray vision, of course) and asks him: "Hey Batman, do you want to go out and raise some hell tonight?" "Sorry, Super, I can't. I have to fix the Batmobile tonight, can't fight crime without it..." So Superman starts flying again. Next, he sees Spiderman, but he's busy too. Finally, just as he was getting tired, he spots Wonder Woman, laying on her back naked, by the swimming pool. "Wow, what luck" Superman says to himself. "You know, I've always wondered if I really was faster than a speeding bullet! I've got to take advantage of this opportunity." So he flies down, does his business in less than a second, and he's gone just like that. Wonder Woman, perplexed, says "What was that?!" "I don't know, but it sure hurt a lot!" says Invisible Man as he gets up off of her.

Bewertungen: 3
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Kategorie: English Jokes

Three guys are up on the roof of the world trade center when the first says to the second "Did you know that the wind currents are so strong up here that if you jumped off, they would blow you right back up?" The second guy tells him he's full of shit and dares him to try it. The first guy says OK and jumps off. He falls down, down, down, and slows down until he is actually coming back up. Plop! He lands right back where he was. The second guy is so impressed that he decides to try it himself. He climbs up, jumps off and gets turned into a rather large pile of reddish colored jelly on the pavement below. At this point, the third guy turns to the first and says "You know, sometimes you are a real ASSHOLE superman!"

Bewertungen: 3
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Kategorie: English Jokes

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." the hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetary to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driwent dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver(male) "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetary and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets abouther virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out,

"Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"

The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,

"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"

Bewertungen: 113
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Not compatible
Kategorie: English Jokes

A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

Ten minutes later, the user is still persistent that he is right. The tech is frustrated and give up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

Ten minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

One hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

Bewertungen: 3
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Kategorie: English Jokes

Young Lieutenant, Smythe-Worthington reported to his first military assignment, at one of those far-flung outposts of the British Empire, and made an office call on the Commanding Officer.

" SIR!", he called out, while saluting smartly, "Reginald Smythe-Worthington; Lieutenant of Quartermaster, reporting for duty!"

The Colonel welcomed him to the unit, gave him an orientation on the local area, and described the duties for which he'd be responsible. At the end of his pitch, the Colonel said, "Although we work hard here, and conditions are a bit austere, we DO manage to have SOME fun. For instance, today is Thursday. On Thursday nights the officers all get together at my quarters, smoke great cigars, and play poker into the small hours of the morning. We find it's a great morale booster!"

"I'm sorry, sir", the lieutenant replied, "but I don't believe in gambling, and the smell of cigar smoke makes me queasy."

The Colonel paused for a moment. "I see . . . . . . Well . . . , no matter, because tomorrow is Friday, and on Friday we get together in the Officers' Mess, tap into the rum and gin rations, and get good and drunk. It's a fine way to decompress after an exhausting week."

"I'm sorry, sir", interrupted the lieutenant, "but I promised my mother I wouldn't take up drinking while I was in the military."

The Colonel again paused for a moment, and stared at the lieutenant. "I see... Well, that's that's quite alright. Because the next night is Saturday, and since it's the weekend we all head over to the nearby town to court the women. The women are a wild and primative bunch, as you might imagine, and their love-making can go on all night."

"Sir, I'm sorry", replied the lieutenant, "but I really have no desire to associate with women of such loose morals."

The Colonel stared silently at the lieutenant for several long moments. Finally, with a questioning look on his face, he asked, "Are you "queer", Smythe-Worthington?"

"NO, SIR!", the young officer emphatically replied, with a look of revultion on his face.

The Colonel again stared at him. " Pity. . . . . . . . You're not much going to enjoy Sunday, either."

Bewertungen: 7
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Kategorie: English Jokes

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said: "Fuck him. Give him a dollar."

The breakfast was my idea..."

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